SobekPundit for President! Pt. 3
Sobek Pundit is proud to announce that his presidential candidacy is making a real impact in the polls,[n.1] and it's all thanks to the support of you, the loyal readers. After my DNC and RNC acceptance speeches (here and here), I was virtually deluged with letters of support from people on both sides of the aisle.[n.2] But it is my official view that the kind of binary thinking that leads today's politicians to say things like "both sides of the aisle" is exactly what's wrong with America. So today, I offer you, the reader, my official bid to break down the two-party system, as I announce my candidacy as a Libertarian, and as Your Next President(TM)!
Governing Best by Governing Least
My fellow Americans, and you Canadians who somehow make it onto the registered voter lists (Seattle, I'm looking at you), as I've travelled down the highways and biways[n. 3] of this great country of ours, telling people about my dream of one day rolling a fat joint in the Lincoln bedroom, I've often been asked, "Why do you want to be President?" and "What qualifications do you have?" and "Dude, you holdin'?" And the answer to those first two questions has invariably been: I'm a lazy, lazy man.
As Ayn Rand once said, "that government governs best which governs least."[n. 4] As a committed Libertarian, I believe that to be true. And the way I see it, if your core philosophy is that the government shouldn't actually do anything, then the absolutely perfect job for me would be to run that government. Think about it: what other job could I possibly hold where the highest ideal is to not do that job? Any time I did any actual work, it would be a betrayal of my constituents, of the Constitution, and of my absolute committment to becoming the laziest President in U.S. history.
Iraq war? Not only does it represent an untolerable encroachment of Executive power into the Legislative branch, it also represents an untolerable encroachment of Legislative power into the Executive branch, and of Judicial power into the other two.
That's pretty much my philosophy on everything. The U.S. government regulates narcotics? I say, The Constitution doesn't grant that kind of power! The government builds interstate highways? The Constitution doesn't grant that kind of power! The government maintains postal roads? Well, okay, technically the Constitution grants that power, but I still wouldn't let anyone do it. I mean, just because the government can do something, doesn't mean it should. Not on my watch.
And that's another important part of my philosophy: interference with normal government operations. Not only will I refuse to do my job, I'll make sure Congress doesn't do its job, either. Same with the Supreme Court. And on my first day in Washington, I promise to fire the entire cabinet, the Joint Chiefs, and White House staff. Then I'll call a press conference and see how long it takes the White House press corps to realize I'm not going to show up -- that it's all an elaborate practical joke. I will refuse to appoint new judges and ambassadors. I will veto every piece of legislation Congress sends my way, and I will hire goons to sabotage the cars of individual Congressmen to keep them from showing up and over-riding my vetoes.
Actually, those last two promises sound a little too much like work. I think I'll get the private sector to sign my vetoes and sabotage cars. Yeah, that's the ticket.
My foreign policy will be both consistent and elegant: we don't care. My conservative opponents will try to smear me, saying I don't care about homeland security. To them I say, If private, mercenary armies were good enough for Macchiavelli's Florence, it's good enough for America. My liberal opponents will try to smear me, saying I don't care about suffering in the Third World. To them I say, you want to help starving people in Bhutan, I'm not going to stop you (unless you're in Congress), but don't expect me to do anything about it. I've got a game of Unreal: Tournament to play.
My domestic policy will also be consistent and elegant. Any special interest groups that approach me about economic protectionism, or increasing the welfare state, or federally-funded anything, will be cordially invited to the White House rose garden, where they will be given free marijuana (oh, yeah, I'm getting rid of the roses) until they're too baked to even think about getting me to do any work. Or, for that matter, too baked to even think.
As an added bonus, once the government is effectively neutralized, political punditry will virtually cease to exist. That means Maureen Dowd will still be a bitter harpy who can't attract a man to save her miserable life, but at least you won't be reading about it in the New York Times.
So vote for me, America, as your Libertarian Party candidate! I'll prove to you just how little I can govern!
n. 1: Note: this may or may not be true.
n. 2: Note: I have not received any letters of support.
n. 3: Specifically, highway 95 between Las Vegas and Laughlin.
n. 4: I have no idea who actually wrote this.