SobekPundit for President! Pt. 1

So says Michael, commenting over at Jack the Slacker's blog. Twice, in fact, after he heard my position on hobo-strangling. You'll want to go read the comments section for a bit of background.

Anyway, Michael's gracious endorsement got me thinking about the speeches I would give if I were the nominee. So I've decided to write those speeches and see if maybe I can't get a groundswell of support for '08. I don't particularly care which party nominates me; this first speech would be for a DNC nomination. A GOP-nomination speech is forthcoming. With that said, sit back, relax, and enjoy the speech I'll deliver when I'm honored to accept the nomination as Democratic candidate and Your Next President(TM).

We Can Do Better

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm honored to have been chosen by the voice of the people of America -- or more specifically, the most radical fringes in Iowa and New Hampshire -- to be Your Next President. Looking back at the dismal failures of the present administration, I'd like to entitle this speech "We Can Do Better."

This administration is one that doesn't respect your privacy. With the balooning wiretap scandal, ordinary Americans are forced to ask, What's next? A President using the IRS to audit political enemies? Or ordering the FBI to spy on the the opposition? I pray to my non-denominational god/deity/happy place that we never get to that point.

And on the topics of abuses of executive power, I remind you that this President has failed and refused to promise not to pardon Scooter Libby. Again I ask, what's next? This ugly precedent leaves open the possibility that future Presidents could pardon their wealthy friends (who would then be free to get involved in UN scandals). Or even FALN terrorists, whose bombs killed people, just to help their wives get the Peurto Rican vote in her Senate race. Is that the America you want? I don't think so.

And then there's the grave issue of irresponsible foreign actions. If elected, I promise to only commit troops to foreign conflicts with no possibility of benefitting Americans directly, like Somalia or the Balkans, and I won't have the arrogance to presume that brown people -- like Iraqis, Afghans or Lebanese -- want freedom from tyranny, or a right to vote.

And what have we seen from this administration? Criminal negligence, at the very best. This President is like a drunk driver, with a young America in the passenger seat, driving over a narrow wooden bridge at night. And when disaster strikes, instead of admitting his mistakes, and trying to undo the damage by rescuing America, he paces on the beach thinking selfishly of his own political career. Is that the kind of person we want in the halls of power, based on nothing more than his father's influence? Not when I'm President.

Instead, I'll pursue a subtle, nuanced policy of victory in Iraq. First, I will call for the immediate, unconditional withdrawal of all American troops from Iraq. Then, I will firmly commit to never using American troops again, for any purpose, unless specifically so authorized by the United Nations. But I want to make it clear that I won't sacrifice our national security for the sake of internationalism -- I promise to be tough and decisive. But I will only be tough and decisive after the UN gives express support for toughness and decisiveness. And I want to make it perfectly clear that I won't withdraw the troops until the job is done, no matter how long that takes. Even so, I vow that not a single dime of taxpayer money will go to fund those torturing baby-killers and knuckle-draggers. But of course I will castigate Congress if they won't support our troops.

On to domestic issues. We cannot allow the Republicans to continue to destroy our economy. Just because Bush gave us ten straight quarters of growth over 3%, and an unemployment rate one quarter that of Germany's, doesn't mean American shouldn't be taxing the crap out of you in a barely-concealed wealth-distribution effort. If unabashed capitalism gave us that kind of growth, just imagine what we could do with hard-core Maoist socialism! We'd be the next Cuba! And they've got free health care!!! During the Bush administration, we've seen doctors, pharmacists, drug-manufacturers and hospital owners who not only have the gall to stay in this country, drawing a paycheck, but they are still allowed to walk down the street without open mockery and the occasional stoning. Not in my America. Just remember: if a seven-month wait is good enough for a Canadian, it's good enough for an American. (Incidentally, I'm sure none of you will mind if I just let me wife design the health care system. She's all kinds of scary-smart).

And now, a brief message to the African-Americans in the audience: eh, I know you'll vote for me whatever I say, so screw you all. What are you gonna do, vote Republican? I don't think so. Not if you don't want Michael Moore to call you a race-traitor, and pelt you with Oreos.

Another problem with the Republican administration is that they ignore the struggles of African-Americans. Ever since I cradled Martin Luther King Jr.'s dying body in my arms I've known that when he said he wanted men judged based on the content of their character rather than the color of their skin, that he really meant blacks are far too stupid and lazy to succeed without massive government intervention and condescending regulation by fat, white guys from Massachussets. How are we ever to remedy past racial injustice, unless we cement strict racial classifications into our laws? Until our high schools and colleges are willing to expressly set a lower standard for blacks (you guys know what I'm talking about), we'll never achieve the Democratic plan of complete Balkanization.

Let's take America back. We Can Do Better! YEEEEEEEEAAAAAARRRRGGHH!