Still Pissed Off About the Hawley-Smoot Tariff

Thursday, February 23, 2006

SobekPundit for President! Part 2

As a follow-up to the acceptance speech I would give if I received the Democratic nomination for President, and in an effort to keep my grass-roots campaign momentum going, I hereby present the acceptance speech I would give if I received the Republican nod. And I'm honored to accept the nomination as Republican candidate and Your Next President(TM).

Enough Talk, It's Smashing Time

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much for your support. I thank you for your trust, and I want to assure you all that, if elected, I will stay true to the core Republican principle that there is no problem so big that it can't be solved by breaking stuff.

Think about it. Does anyone honestly believe we're going to solve the current problems with Iran by talking to them? Well, anyone other than John Kerry (who is a douchebag)? And all our debates over social security, famine in Zambia, stem cell research, the Patriot Act, No Child Left Behind -- has talking about this stuff actually solved anything? No. That's why I say "Enough talk, it's smashing time."

Let me illustrate how easily this simple principle works. What's wrong with France? Absolutely nothing that a few well-placed tactical nuclear warheads can't solve. German inflation? Tomahawk strikes will take care of that right quick. A drunken Ted Kennedy's trying to get a college coed into his car? Hellfire missiles, baby. The situation in Sierra Leone? Ladies and gentlemen, I don't even know where Sierra Leone is, but I still know the answer.

I know a few professional crybabies out there will complain that I don't have Constitutional authority to, say, commit massive ground forces Burma just because they insist on being called Myanmar. To them I say, if you can find a Constitutional right to gay sex, I can find pretty much whatever authority I'll ever need. And then I'll have those crybabies deported to North Korea. Which I will then bomb.

So much for foreign policy. On to domestic issues. I know that many people are nervous that the Patriot Act might encroach too much on civil liberties. You know what? I don't care. I'm here to rule you plebes with an iron fist, not give a squirt of piss about your precious little civil liberties. If you've got a problem with that, I'll be more than happy to buy you a plane ticket to Bolivia. Which I will then bomb.

Our borders need to be secured in order to protect American citizens. I vow to increase manpower on our southern border by tripling the number of INS agents. I will make this economically feasible by only hiring illegal immigrants. Anyone who has a problem with that will be stuffed in a bathtub and floated to Cuba. Which I will then bomb.

Social security is an outdated, unconstitutional monstrosity. If elected, I promise to eliminate it completely. But as a compassionate conservative, I promise to provide for the needs of America's seniors. After I conquer Germany, I will send our old folks over there to pillage and plunder to their heart's content. I don't anticipate any objections to this, because most old people who are alert enough to even know where they are will be happy to trade some measley monthly check for a brand new BMW. Well, I might get some complaints from the Germans, but if I cared about them, I'd be running for President over there, not here.

On the topic of abortion: I don't really care one way or the other what the law on abortion is, personally (as a committed Republican, I firmly believe that the suffering of the innocent is good for the economy). Nevertheless, I vow to pack the Court with far-right-wing ideologues who will not only reverse Roe v. Wade, but will make it a capital offense to even think the phrase "keep your laws off of my body." Again, not because I care about abortion, but because the anquish of dirty, feminist hippy chicks keeps me warm at night. And because I'll put my laws wherever the hell I want, you stupid dyke.

I would elaborate on my policies and philosophy, but I think you get the idea. And if you don't, let's be honest: you're probably not going to get it through your thick skull just by listening to me discuss my plans for bombing Kyrgyzstan until they promise to get some freakin' vowels, or my plan to boost public school performance by bombing Syria.

I know that some people will hear this speech and decide that I'm not right for America, or that I'm too radical in my views, to ever get elected. To those people, I say that as long as Howard Dean is given a position of prominence in the Democrat party, I'm not terribly worried. Also, I plan on shipping those critics to Spain. Which I will then bomb.

Again, thank you for your support. But for now, I say "enough talk." It's smashing time.