I Seem to Have Hit a Dry Spell

If my posting has gotten a little sparse these days, blame the mainstream media. I rely on reporters to tell me the stories that get me riled up enough to write long, scathing tirades, but the media hasn't been doing its job these days. Let's review:

North Korea has nuclear weapons. While true, this is certainly not news. Nicholas Kristof has a column claiming that the North Korea situation is all America's fault. This is also not news.

The Bush administration is pressuring Iran on their nuclear program. This is also not news. Neither is the Iranian response, which consists of fiery rhetoric (literally). In other "news," the capital of Iran is Tehran, and Grand Ayatollah Khomeni is still dead, and burning in Hell.

Some British royals are doing something or other. This is not news, nor is the fact that I don't care what British royals are doing. Hey, at least this story doesn't involve Nazi insignia. CNN.com is running a poll right now that shows 72% of readers don't care about this story.

Hackers are targeting computer systems in Alaska. While I suppose the specifics of the story might be news, nobody cares about Alaska unless they can use it to scare people about the Bush administration, and hackers are always targeting something or other, so this, too, is not news.

The Michael Jackson trial took a stunning turn when ... okay, I confess, nothing about this story is news.

Lawyers are terrorists. Yeah, we know. Or at least, they are willing to help terrorists, so long as they can charge by the hour. Not news.

Earthquake in Arkansas! It's a 4.2? Please. Bill Clinton wrestling himself into jogging shorts was bigger seizmic news. The writer of this story gets so bored with the lack of actual news that he or she has to mention that there once was a 7.5 earthquake in Missouri, in 1811 or 1812. Yippee.

The Pope is still alive. Look, perhaps I should be a little less cavalier about the health of the spiritual leader of a substantial portion of the Earth's population, but the man is old, and his health has been off-and-on for a while now, so this isn't really news. In a related story, reporters were able to confirm that he is Catholic.

Saudis voted in an historic election! Hey, that sounds good, right? It's a little odd, though, that the story uses the phrase "absolute monarchy" in the present tense. I don't mean to crap all over the (male) Saudis and their new-found boundless political freedom, but I would be more enthusiastic if the vote meant anything.

Have I made my point yet? I can mention that Israeli and Palestinian politicians are working on a cease-fire agreement they came to, but given that Palestinian hard-liner groups say the cease-fire doesn't apply to them, it's not really news. Also, Democrat leaders are threatening Dems who cooperate with the White House. Let me try to come up with a teaser for this one: "Dems Criticize the President for his Partisanship, Act Like Hypocritical Jackanapes." But of course, that's not really news.

Sigh.