Still Pissed Off About the Hawley-Smoot Tariff

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

For National Unity, Howard Dean is Our Man

NOTE: The following is my "weekly" (never mind that I haven't done it since right before the election) article for Dicta, the law school's student newsletter. I wrote it a week ago, but I'm posting it now because it won't appear in print until today. As always, crocodile fans get the scoop. Also note that I wrote this before Howard Dean became a virtual lock for the DNC Chairmanship.

Anyone who pays attention to politics at all knows that we as a nation have become deeply divided over the past years. Some people claim it’s all Bush’s fault, others reply, "Shut up, you dirty loser hippies!" But whatever the cause, I think it’s time for Americans to unite under a common cause, and I think the perfect method of doing that is just a scream away.

I’m referring of course to Howard Dean’s bid to chair the Democratic National Committee in the wake of Terry McAuliffe’s impressive string of dismal failures and crushing defeats. Democrats love Howard Dean because he speaks from the heart, doesn’t mince words, doesn’t flip-flop on the issues for political jockeying, and we always know exactly where he stands. Republicans love Howard Dean for pretty much the same reasons. It sounds like a win-win situation, no?

Imagine, if you will, a highly charged political rally. People are excited, bursting at the seams with anticipation. Then, a hush falls over the crowd as Howard "The Scream" Dean takes the stage, and with a mighty YEEEEAAAARRGGHHH! whips everyone within earshot into an orgiastic frenzy of democracy. Imagine how much Republicans and Democrats alike will thrill to hear his views on our baby-killing soldiers in Iraq, and how deposing Saddam was a bad thing. Imagine how people on both sides of the aisle will rejoice to hear a Democrat actually saying in public how much he hates human fetuses. Imagine how liberals and conservatives will come together in solid, unwavering agreement that the Democrats should espouse hard-core leftist principles in every major election from now until the day (God willing) that Democrats are hunted for sport.

Bill Clinton was a great politician, of course, but he was no Howard Dean. The problem with Clinton is that he spent half of the time saying moderate-sounding stuff, or quoting from the Bible, or failing to scream unintelligibly in a frothy rage. True liberals knew to ignore these moments - that they were merely for show, that they were a price to be paid to have a sexual predator and perjurer in the White House. But what if - and here I’m speaking for a dream that all Americans must share, regardless of ideology - what if Democrats could actually say what was on their minds, without fear of retribution, or ever getting votes from rational people? And Howard Dean is indubitably the man to turn that wistful "what if" into glorious reality.

I know some liberals will balk at the idea because Dean has been tainted by what can only be described as one of the most spectacular political meltdowns in human history. But that shouldn’t dampen our enthusiasm for this wild-eyed Vermonter. After all, Lincoln lost so many elections before finally becoming President that he finally had to resort to running on the Comical Beard Party ticket, and look where it got him: reviled by generations of toothless Southerners! Why couldn’t Howard Dean join that proud legacy?

Assuredly we must all agree that Bush has failed to unite this country behind a common banner. After all, if Barbara Boxer can’t be convinced to moderate her rhetoric even after the Democrats got their butts handed to them last November, how can Bush ever hope to get us all focused on a single vision (preferably a vision involving Carrot Top’s battered, unconscious body being forcibly deported to Canada)? Where Bush has failed, I firmly believe Howard Dean will - nay, must! - succeed. I hereby formally endorse Howard Dean for DNC chair.