Kerry to Bush: You're Hurting my Feelings!

Story here.

The short version is, as I've noted before, that some time after John Kerry uttered the words "Bring it on" with respect to Bush's future attack ads, Kerry decided that he didn't actually like to have it brought, and so he has changed his tune to something closer to "Can't we all just get along?"

Note carefully that Kerry never suggests that MoveOn.org should stop with the anti-Bush ads.

In related news, Kerry announced at a later press conference that the terrorists in Iraq are "a bunch of big mean-heads," and if he is elected President, he will "take his ball and go home." Vice Presidential hopeful John Edwards was unavailable for comment because his mouth was full of paste, but Mary Mapes, who was hanging around with the Kerry campaign for perfectly legitimate reasons, opined that "just because John [Kerry] told Bush to bring it on doesn't mean he actually wanted [President George W.] Bush to bring it on. Haven't you people ever heard of nuance?"

Reporters failed to ask Mapes what she was doing speaking at a Kerry press conference.

Update: from that same article, I really need to point out the following quote by Kerry:

"It's all scare tactics ... because (Bush) has no record to run on."

I see. This is so wonderfully rich for a few reasons. First, as for scare tactics, showing John Kerry windsurfing instead of getting CIA briefings is not "scare tactics," it's pointing out that Kerry doesn't seem to take national security as seriously as his extreme sports. Second, I can't think of any way a Republican could outdo Ted Kennedy's scare tactic of suggesting that if GWB gets another term, we will get nuked. And third, as far as records go, are you sure you want to go there?

Because if you do, I'd like to ask the following question.

Mr. Kerry, in all the time that you served with honor and distinction in the U.S. Senate, which bill that you sponsored are you the most proud of, and why?

And I know I'm asking a lot, but try to answer without using the word "Vietnam."

Update: Maybe I should have just printed the whole thing and fisked it line by line, because this article is jam-packed full of hilarity. Here's another gem:

"A statement called the spot, run by the Republican group Progress for America Voter Fund, the latest in a series of 'desperate and despicable attack ads' aimed at diverting attention from Bush's record."

Desperate? Pardon me, but isn't desperation a hallmark of the guy who's polling 11 points behind? Why would a guy with a comfortable lead, vastly higher credibility ratings, and a massive list of dead or captured al-Quaeda operatives do something "desperate"? And especially a week after polls show that Kerry is as popular as Martha Stewart?

And on the other side of that question, do attacks on Bush that are based entirely on forged documents smack of desperation, or of something else? Does shaking up your campaign team to pull in Clinton's old pals smack of desperation, or of something else? How about Kerry's refusal to give interviews to the reporters who travel in his entourage for over a month (i.e. since the Christmas in Cambodia story was first de-bunked)?

Who is the desperate one, here?

"Kerry said America's middle classes had suffered from the huge tax cuts that Bush had presided over and which Democrats say mainly benefit the most wealthy."

I'm totally unclear on this one. If the government takes less of Bill Gates' money next year, but takes the same amount from me (we're assuming that I had income - it's a rhetorical device, you see), how exactly am I hurt by that?

"'He doesn't care, he's out of touch,' said Kerry."

Just in case you didn't catch that, let me repeat it. John Forbes Kerry actually suggests that someone is out of touch. Let that sink in. No, actually, don't let that sink in because it could cause madness.

That's not to say there isn't some element of truth in what Kerry is saying. Any time I really, really want a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and I want to order my personal valet - who is in charge of nothing else bu making me peanut butter and jelly sandwiches - to make me one right then and there, I find myself reflecting - as I enjoy that peanut butter and jelly sandwich - just how out of touch Bush is.

Also, when I fly to Idaho to stay in one of my mansions for a week while snowboarding and cussing out secret service agents, I often wonder how much more out of touch Bush thinks he can get and still count on my vote.

And when my wife has to ask me what "chili" is when she sees it on the menu at Wendy's, I explain to her that it's the kind of thing common folks, like me or John Kerry eat, unlike that stuck-up snob Bush, who has his meals and his hairdressers flown across the country in a private jet.

It's a good thing John Kerry feels my pain.