Still Pissed Off About the Hawley-Smoot Tariff

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Judgment Day for Enas Yorl

Sobek: Hello, Enas Yorl, and welcome to Your Final Judgment.

Enas: Huh? What's going on?

Sobek: Sorry if you're a little disoriented, but the fact is, you've recently died. It's time for your judgment scene.

Enas: What? Wait a second, what am I doing painted onto this papyrus?

Sobek: Yeah, a lot of people these days get a little confused when they die and realize the ancient Egyptians were right all along. You may be interested to know that this judgment scene is technically known as a "psychostasy."

Enas: Wait, I've heard of these. Doesn't Anubis usually do this?

Sobek: I told him he could take the week off. Anyway, the procedure here is pretty simple. I'm going to weigh your heart on these scales.

Enas: Heh heh, you said "sc..."

Sobek: I wouldn't go there if I were you.

Enas: Sorry.

Sobek: On the other side, next to me, I've got a feather. You may be interested to know it's called the "maat" feather, meaning "truth" or "justice."

Enas: Wait a second, this thing here is supposed to be my heart? It looks like a...

Sobek: You may be interested to know that your heart looks oddly similar to a 16-pound bowling ball.

Enas: What? Wait a second, that is a bowling ball!

Sobek: No, it's your heart. You're just disoriented. Anyway, here's how this works: if your heart weighs as much as the maat feather, it means you're righteous, and you get to go in the room next door and meet Osiris.

Enas: The guy with the green face?

Sobek: Best not to mention that to him. He's been a little cranky since I had to fish his dismembered body out of the Nile.

Enas: Understandable.

Sobek: But if it turns out your heart is heavier than the feather, I get to feed you to "Skippy" over there.

Enas: Holy crap!!!

Sobek: He's a bit of a crocodile/eagle/hippo hybrid, and he's got a pretty nasty attitude. So, ready to get started?

Enas: Wait a second, what's going on here? What did you do to Anubis? You can't do this -- that's not my heart, it's a bowling ball!!!

Sobek: You may be interested to know that asking lots of questions is a fairly common indication of the disorientation that happens after death.

Enas: Hey!!! Thoth! Horus! Somebody help me!

Sobek: I'm sorry, Thoth and Horus are busy right now.

Enas: I'm sorry I tied you to a chair!!! I'm sorry I stole your bit!!! I'm sorry I ripped off your Ace and Retired Geezer jokes!!!

Sobek: I'm sure you are. You may be interested to know that crocodiles are cold-blooded creatures. Oh, look at that: your oddly bowling-ball-shaped heart weighs more than this feather. That's a real shame.

Skippy: [growls hungrily]

Nephthys: Hey Sobek, what's going on?

Sobek: Oh, hey there, good-lookin'. Just about to feed Enas Yorl's immortal soul to Skippy.

Nephthys: Huh. Doesn't Anubis usually take care of that?

Sobek: He's busy. He told me I could do it.

Enas: You said you gave him the week off. What's...

Sobek: Life's too short to get hung up on the details, bud.

Nephthys: This is boring. You wanna go make out?

Sobek: You may be interested to know that yes, I do want to go make out. Look, sorry I have to cut this short, Enas. I'll tell you what: if you can outrun Skippy, I'll let you go.

Nephthys: Sobek, that was really nice of you.

[Off-screen screams and growling]

Sobek: What can I say; I'm a nice guy. Now gimme some sugar, baby.

[More off-screen screams and growling]

Nephthys: Ooh, Sobek, your snout is so big...

[Off-screen, more terrified screams, then silence. Exeunt all.]