KhepriPundit: Your Official Guest Blogger
Howdy folks, my name is Khepri. And in case you're wondering, yes, I have a huge, grotesque beetle instead of a head. Let's try not to make too big a deal of it, okay? Thanks.
Anyway, Sobek asked me and a few other guys to come guest blog here while he's doing whatever it is he does. It's not like he ever tells me this kind of thing -- stupid crocodile, he thinks he's such a bigshot just because he doesn't look like a hideous mutant. And here I am ... I've got these giant freakin' mandibles growing out of the top of my head. How am I supposed to eat anything with giant freakin' mandibles growing out of the top of my head, huh? Yeah, that's what I thought.
Sorry, I'm getting a little off track, here. Anyway, Sobek sent me an e-mail and was like "hey, can you come guest-blog for me?" And I'm like "sure, no problem." You know, trying to play it cool and everything, even though it's like the first time he's ever even talked to me, and now all of a sudden he's acting like we're tight or something. But no, get this: in his e-mail, he's all like "I want to give the blog a fresh look, you know?" And I didn't say anything, right? But I'm thinking to myself, "wait, you're going to give your Egyptian-god-themed blog a 'fresh look' by adding a different Egyptian god? Sure, whatever buddy.
Update: Okay, so Sobek just sent me another e-mail, and he's all like "Dude, how 'bout a little less whining and stuff in your posts, okay?" Okay, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to come here and be a downer and everything. I mean it's not like I have GIANT FREAKIN' MANDIBLES GROWING OUT OF THE TOP OF MY HEAD OR ANYTHING!
Okay, I'm doing it again. I'm sorry. I've been a little on edge the past few thousand years. First these Egyptians decide that they're going to worship me and stuff, right? Which I think is pretty cool, because I mean, I'm a beetle, you know? I spend all day rolling little balls of poop around. Even I'm smart enough to know that's not going to win me a lot of friends. But these Egyptians come along and they're all like "Hey, that beetle's rolling a little turd around in the sand, and it's kinda like the sun on the sky!" And one guy yells "Hey, let's worship it!" (These Egyptians, you see, really liked their boooze). And so the next thing I know, I'm like the Mr. Popular and everything. Which is like the only time in history that's ever happened to me, so I'm pretty jazzed.
So they go and build me a temple, and they draw pictures of me with a human body, right? Well, that works just fine when the animal has a hawk's head, or a ram's head, but let me tell you, it doesn't work out so well when you're a beetle. 'Cause the only way this 'tard artist can figure out how to give a man a beetle head is to just draw the whole beetle, without even trying to make the picture look at all reasonable. And I see this thing, and I say to the guy, "Dude, what the heck," you know? How would you like it if I drew you, with like ... well, I don't even know. I'm never any good at comebacks. Anyway, they get my temple all built up and stuff, but before they can get around to making me a new temple, with better pictures, all of a sudden everyone's lost interest in beetle worship. Sudden, it's like "All Amun-Ra, All the Time." And I'm like "hey, guys, remember me? I roll the poop around the sand."
Boy was that the wrong way to go about getting popular again.
So my temple kind of starts to fall apart, and fills up with sand, and in the meantime, the Egyptians are running around in a drunken haze, daring each other to worship stuff. (And I should add, there was a guy named Akhenaton who came along and said they could maybe be a world power again if they didn't spend all their time thinking up new stuff to worship, but he didn't get very far with that). Anyway, the point comes when the roof of my temple is caving in, and all the old priests are either retired or they've gone to other temples or whatever, and by the time I find someone to tell about my roof collapsing, suddenly it's all Jupiter-this and Mars-that, because now Rome is out conquering everything. And I'm like, "look, if you Romans are cool with worshipping a planet who turns into a swan so he can rape some chick, you should be perfectly comfortable with me, even if I do have these GIANT FREAKIN' MANDIBLES GROWING OUT THE TOP OF MY HEAD! But nothing doing, I swear.
Then along came Christianity. Then Islam. Don't even get me started.
So, again, it's been a bad few thousand years for me. But Sobek tells me this whole blogging thing is a great way to relive some of the glory days. I'm sorry if that got you guys all depressed. I try not to just gripe all the time, but you know, I really miss the old times. I mean, would it kill any of you to sacrifice a cow or two to me?
Anyway, that's me.
Update: Okay, Sobek sent me another e-mail, telling me to knock it off with the personal gripes. Sheesh, man, I said I'm sorry, what more do you want out of me?
I'm gonna go roll some poop around in the sand. If anyone needs me, I'll be outside.