Still Pissed Off About the Hawley-Smoot Tariff

Monday, October 17, 2005

So Why Is Everybody Always Pickin' On Me?

Jack M, over at Letters from Desolation Row (former proprietor of the now-defunct All Along the Blogtower) did some snooping into my past, and does a post about my sexual stamina. In an obvious fit of jealousy, the comments degenerate into a discussion of who could kick my butt in a fight. Yeah, as I said, obvious fit of jealousy. Just because Jack's never been a fertility deity.

In other news, I just got ahold of a transcript (I can't reveal my source, but let's just say he has the head of an Ibis) from a recent meeting of a certain unidentified Leftist task-force. Here's the unredacted version:

Unidentified male voice #1: So then, what do we think of this "Sobek" guy?

PETA girl: Well on the one hand, he seems to support Bush, but on the other, he's a crocodile. I mean, can PETA really oppose a crocodile?

PETA guy: What, are you crazy? He kills and devours other living animals!

PETA girl: Well, right, yeah -- but I mean, that's what crocodiles do. They're carnivores.

PETA guy: You've just bought into all their brainwashing hype, man. If tofu burgers are good enough for me, they're good enough for crocodiles.

International ANSWER guy: Look, guys, I don't mean to interrupt, but this guy supports the war in Iraq!!! What more do we need to know about him? He's obviously part of the Halliburton-Zionist-blood-for-oil cabal.

PETA guy: Well, yeah, but isn't he Egyptian? First of all, I don't know how you can be Egyptian and a Zionist...

Internation ANSWER guy: Oh, yeah, I'd expect that kind of thinking from a neo-con repuke!

PETA guy: ... and second, I think our by-laws state very clearly that it's okay for Arabs to like killing. I mean, we don't want to denigrate their culture...

PETA girl: Yeah, all that "democracy" and "not blowing people up" crap is so, you know, Western.

CAIR official: Oh, you guys are in so much trouble...

PETA guy: No, no, no, that's not an insult. We only mean it's part of the culture because it was forced on them by oppressive American imperialism, and stuff.

CAIR official: Oh, then we're cool.

PETA girl: Yeah, the violence is clearly justified. I just finished writing a paper for my college English class on "Why They Hate Us, and Why Ward Churchill Was Right About Everything."

International ANSWER guy: So, getting back on topic, I still say his stance on the war makes him evil. Even if you want to argue that his support for the deaths of Iraqis is acceptable to American progressives, because it's a legitimate form of protest against so-called democracy, the fact remains...

Farrakhan: It doesn't make any difference. He's white, and that means he's evil, working for the Man.

CAIR guy: Wait, aren't crocodiles green?

PETA guy: No, no, in those interviews he does, he looks black.

NAACP: It's all a trick by KKKarl Rove and the Bushitler Nazi brownshirts to keep my people subject to ...

NAMBLA guy: People, it all comes down to one thing: does he or does he not support the Constitutional right of 30-year-old men to sodomize 5-year-old boys? If not, he's a complete fascist, and we need to bring him down!

CAIR guy: I don't know anything about the mating habits of crocodiles, so I couldn't really say...

Horus: Well I think he's just an all-around douchebag who's been jealous of me since day one. Just because I can fly, and my dad came back to life, he's got this total inferiority complex, and it makes him completely insufferable.

PETA girl: You can't talk that way about a crocodile! What right do you have to denigrate him? Don't you realize that human activity has been destroying the crocodile's native habitat? He's got every right to be cranky!

International ANSWER guy: You'll see "cranky" if you try to feed him nothing but tofu burgers...

Howard Dean: Hey people, can we hurry up, here? The press conference starts in ten minutes, and if I don't have something completely bat-guano insane to say about this guy, I'll be totally embarrassed.

[end tape]

Don't worry Howie, I'm sure you'll think of something. Oh, and Horus? Nice sun-disk, pal. Compensating for something? Stupid, glorified budgie.

Credits: I got the ANSWER guy from Bill from INDC, and the Farrakhan pic is courtesy of Peoples for the American Way.