Still Pissed Off About the Hawley-Smoot Tariff

Friday, February 18, 2005

Daddy Long Legs

The scene: SobekPundit's bedroom, evening, as the Pundit and his wife are preparing for bed.

Wife (gestures): Oh my gosh, kill that thing.

Sobek (looks at the ceiling): Where? Oh that? It's just a daddy long legs.

Wife: I don't care what it is, I want you to kill it.

(Sobek thinks for a moment, then grabs a piece of paper off his desk and stands on a chair. It is apparent that Sobek is trying to capture the arachnid, rather than kill it).

Wife: What are you doing? Just kill it!

Sobek: You can't kill daddy long legs, and more than you can kill ladybugs.

Wife (unconvinced): I killed one the other day.

Sobek (dismayed): You can't kill daddy long legs. They don't bother anyone. They're like mockingbirds. It's a sin to kill a mockingbird, because they don't bother anybody.

Wife: If that thing falls on our bed, or gets away, you are in so much trouble.

(Sobek has maneuvered the daddy long legs on to the paper, but the spooked bug immediately starts running all over the place, and quickly falls to the floor).

Wife: It's on the floor! Get it! Get it!

Sobek: Go get me a cup or something.

Wife: I told you to just kill it. If you take it outside, it'll just find its way back in somehow.

(Sobek doubts this. There isn't a lot of room in a daddy long legs for a brain, so they probably don't waste space remembering long-distance geography or harboring grudges. He repeatedly scoops the now-panicked daddy long legs onto the paper, but it keeps crawling off, or onto Sobek's hands, and falling back down).

Sobek: Just go get me a cup.

Wife (leaving to get a cup): If you lose that thing...

Sobek (realizing his sexual privileges are at stake): Hurry!

(Wife returns, Sobek quickly gets the bug into the cup, caps the cup with the paper, and exits. We hear off-stage that Sobek leaves through the front door for maybe thirty seconds, then comes back in. Wife is still fretting, and intently scanning the walls and ceiling for signs of other invaders. Sobek returns).

Sobek: You'll be happy to know that I left the daddy long legs on the other side of the street, that I put the cup in the dishwasher, the paper in the trash, and I washed my hands thoroughly with soap and water.

Wife: Thanks. (Kisses Sobek).

Sobek: I can't believe you wanted me to kill a daddy long legs. They're like ladybugs ... you're not supposed to kill them.

1. Is Sobek right?
2. Even if he is right, should his wife be angry with him for the next several days?
3. Does the wife have the right to coat every surface in the home with an inch and a half of Raid?
4. Is Sobek a big wuss, or was his fascination with the extraordinarily delicate and graceful legs of the arachnid indicative of a sensitive - but masculine - side? When considering number 4, keep in mind that Sobek actually takes pleasure from the deaths of mosquitoes, and thinks PETA is a bunch of lunatics.