Parallel Universe Kerrys

[Note: the following is my weekly column for Dicta, the law school newsletter. As always, crocodile fans get the scoop, plus marshmallowy goodness.]

Last week, Sacha Boegem’s foray into an alternate reality where 9/11 never happened (oh, that’s a great way to make policy - close your eyes) gave me a great idea. On one of my recent trips through parallel universes this past week, I was lucky enough to have a tape recorder handy, and I caught up with John Kerry to see what he was up to. Let’s listen in.

Kerry as Surgeon: "Don’t worry, Mrs. Finklestein, your previous physician overestimated the severity of your cancer, but I have a plan. I’ve come up with an extensive list of mistakes that he made, and I plan on griping about them in an insufferable monotone for a few hours while you lie on the operating table. I will consult with a variety of French doctors to see what they think about your previous doctor. I will consult with the UN to get permission to consider laying out a plan for deciding upon scheduling a summit to determine whether we should operate."
"But you will operate eventually, right?"
"Did you know I served in Vietnam?"

Kerry as Cop: "Put down your weapon, release the hostage, and come out with your hands up! Or, in the alternative, keep the weapon, release the hostage, and we’ll negotiate a plan for you to gradually relinquish control over the mini-mart over a period of fourteen years. Okay, fine, then keep the weapon and the hostage, but promise me you won’t take any more hostages. Screw it, I’m gonna go hang out with Vietnamese Communist murderers in a café in Paris."

Kerry as CEO: "I wish those Massachusetts Senators would quit raising taxes!"

Kerry as Fireman: "Well, ma’am, we would try to stop the fire in your living room, but I’m going windsurfing. But here’s Kofi Annan’s phone number. I’m sure he can help you out. Just make sure you offer him a multi-million dollar bribe. Oh, you say there are a bunch of Sudanese in there? Then you’re screwed."

Kerry as Professional Baseball Player: "Coach, I was going to swing, but the ideas of ‘ball’ and ‘strike’ just aren’t nuanced enough. Life is not black and white, okay? You like to say everything is so simple, that you swing when it’s over the plate and you don’t when it’s not ... if you were as intellectual as I am, you’d realize that there’s more to it than that."

Kerry as a Plant: "I sure do like swaying in the breeze..."

Kerry as Geography Teacher: "Poland? Never heard of it. Italy? Where’s that? Australia? You’re just making stuff up, right?"

Kerry as Billionaire: "Marry you? What would be the point?"

Kerry as Kurd: "I sure am glad our dictator murdered my whole family, and cut off both my hands. I hope no one ever invades my perfectly peaceful, tranquil country and destroys our wonderful utopian society. I love the smell of mustard gas! Chemical Ali is my friend!"

Kerry as Socialist Bootlicking Frenchman with no spine, no plan, no accomplishments even after nigh twenty years in the Senate, no desire to show up for work and actually earn his paycheck: Oops, looks like I’m back in the real world.