Liberal Larry Needs a Fisking

I generally have a lot of respect for Liberal Larry, Professym of Midget Studies at some college in Seattle whose name escapes me. But it's more a grudging respect for his formidable academic prowess than any agreement with his substantive views. His latest post especially got my blood boiling, and I think it's about time I let him know what I think.

"In a week full of profound speeches by patriotic progressives, President Al Gore’s stood head and shoulders above the rest. The right-wing dominated media will, of course, attempt to make him look like a raving lunatic by printing everything he said word-for word."

Shut up you dirty, stinking hippy! Why don't you take a shower?

"They pulled the same trick on Howard Dean. So it’s important that unbiased and objective pundits such as myself set the record straight."

Oh yeah? Well YOU SUCK.

"Al Gore’s powerful oratory Monday was not only a testament to the skills of his lesbian manliness coach, but a righteous roar of rage against Bush’s wholesale destruction of our most fundamental civil liberties. For the past six years, Gore has sat quietly by while Republicans furiously chipped away at the Bill of Rights. However, the news of Bush’s domestic spying program was the last straw, and as a patriotic American War Hero he was duty bound to stand up and say, 'Enough is enough!'."

I cannot express how much I'm looking forward to the day when, my Christian God willing, commies like you are hunted for sport. If James Madison had known there would be people like you 200 years later, he would have written several express, profanity-laden exceptions into the Bill of Rights. And I think we can all agree that the Bill of Rights would earn more respect for flagrant use (and misuse) of the word "c*cksucker." With lots of exclamation points.

"Bush continues to deny that he has done anything wrong and insists that he will only eavesdrop on the telephone conversations of people who are 'a threat to national security'. But that could describe just about any liberal Democrat in Congress. Does Sen. Kennedy deserve to have his phone sex interrupted for the sake of Bush's war on terror? And what of the thousands of legitimate calls to and from terrorists every day? What if you or I were to simply dial Osama Bin Laden’s number at Crawford by mistake? Does that make us terrorists? Does that negate our rights as American citizens?"

The Second Amendment, for example, is waaay too stuffy and technical. I think Madison would have preferred (and certainly he intended) for it to read something closer to "Ted Kennedy is a flaming douchebag who needs to be shot. Repeatedly, but never fatally." Yeah, now that's an Amendment, baby!

"Al Gore doesn’t think so."

Speaking of Kennedy, how is that fat sack of fat even still alive? My understanding of physics may be a little shaky, but I thought once his sodden liver attained a certain mass, it would collapse in on itself, possibly tearing the fabric of time and space in the process.

"Bush also claims that his new American Police State is for our own protection. He insists that spying on terrorists may actually prevent another attack on our soil. Maybe so. But at what cost? What good are a few American lives if they are saved at the expense of our most precious civil liberties? The right to carry box cutters onto planes. The right to leak classified information to the New York Times. The right to make long distance phone calls to Al Qaida. All sacrificed in the name of national defense."

And I'll bet Bill Clinton knows how to put a few brewskies away. And that's not just a comment on his girth, either. I don't drink, but if I were married to that shrewish harpy of a "wife," I'd start right quick. I might even skip the booze and head straight for the crack, hoping against hope that each hit would be my last. Honestly, when humiliating oral sex from a fatty, as the lead story in every newspaper in the world, is actually less soul-crushing than daily existence with Hillary! even crack might not take the edge off. Maybe crack laced generously with battery acid and grape Kool-Aid...

"Thousands willingly gave their lives to secure us such cherished freedoms. If a few thousand more must die to maintain them, then that’s a price Al Gore is perfectly willing to pay."

I actually feel kind of bad for the guy, really. But what's Daschle's excuse? First he gets drummed out of the Senate when voters realize he's not only an obstructionist crap-weasel, but an ineffective obstructionist crap-weasel, and then he actually says -- in public -- that he's considering a run for President? What part of "even your fellow South Dakotans don't like you, let alone citizens of real states" don't you understand? And for the life of me, I will never understand why Harry Reid of all people watched Daschle crash and burn and thought to himself, "you know, that seems like a pretty good political model." Unless he's a Karl Rove plant, which would explain a lot.

Anyway, I hope Liberal Larry has learned an important lesson, here.