Iran to Face UN Scrutiny

But if it's anything like the "scrutiny" they gave Kofi Annan and his son Kojo, I can't imagine Iran's sweatin' it much.

What a fundamentally useless institution. Let's take a closer look:

"China and Russia, longtime allies and trading partners of Iran, signed on to a statement that calls on the U.N. nuclear watchdog to transfer the Iran dossier to the Security Council, which could impose sanctions or take other harsh action."

They're TRANSFERRING THE DOSSIER!?!?! Those MONSTERS!!!

"Foreign ministers from those nations, plus the United States, Britain and France, also said the Security Council should wait until March to take up the Iran case..."

'Cause, you know, it's not like we're in a hurry or anything. I guess February is too booked up with taking bribes and raping Congolese teen-agers to get around to actually investigating psychotic regimes that may be close to nuclear warhead technology.

"Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice and other foreign ministers discussed Iran at a private dinner at the home of British Foreign Secretary Jack Straw. After the four-hour meeting, which spilled over into the early hours Tuesday, a joint statement called on the International Atomic Energy Agency to report the Iran case when it meets in Vienna on Thursday."

How many hours could it possibly take to determine that Iran needs to be sanctioned back into the Stone Age (which, for Iran, isn't that far of a trip, I suppose).

"Foreign ministers from Germany and the European Union also attended the dinner and agreed to what amounted to a compromise..."

Apparently they were haggling over how many Jews would have to be turned into radioactive smoke before the UN would be forced to "condemn Iran's actions in the strongest possible terms." France was holding out for "all of them," but Condi talked them down to "as many as Germay can stuff into an oven." Future talks have been scheduled to determine what kind of oven. Oh wait, here are the actual terms of the compromise:

"... take the case to the Security Council but allow a short breather before the council must undertake what could be a divisive debate."

Ah, a breather. See, that's why I'm not a professional diplomat. It never would have occurred to me to actually consider the needs of the Council, which will be so winded by the Herculean task of signing a document that it will need to break for tea and raping Thai hookers.

"The group agreed that the IAEA 'should report to the Security Council its decision on the steps required of Iran, and should also report to the Security Council all IAEA reports as resolutions as adopted relating to this issue,' a statement from the group said."

I could just save them all some trouble and tell the SC what the IAEA report will say, in handy bullet-point format:

* Iran should be "strongly warned" against blowing up too many more Jews
* Hey, remember that time we filmed ourselves raping Congolese hookers? Good times, man
* Maybe if we give Iran a bunch of nuclear warheads, they'll stop pursuing nuclear technology
* Russia should not be prevented from interfering with the sanctions process by selling missile technology to the Iranians
* Persian chicks are way hot; get a few bottles of peach Schnapps in 'em and they get all kinds of freak nasty. Before we strangle them just to feel the death rattle in our hands
* Seriously, if Iran nukes another Israeli city, we're going to be all kinds of angry. Well, not "retaliate" angry, but all other kinds of angry
* Okay, that nuke almost killed some Palestinians, too. What's wrong with you people?

"The IAEA has already found Iran in violation of nuclear obligations and issued a stern warning to Tehran in September. Thursday's vote would be the next step, one long sought by the United States." (emphasis added).

Yeah, and you guys thought I was joking about the UN being totally useless.

"Iran insists its nuclear program is intended only to produce electricity."

Which, given that they insist that Jews are filthy sons of pigs and monkeys who God wants to die in a fiery apocalypse, my spidey-sense tells me maybe I shouldn't take that at face value.

"The United States and some allies say Iran is hiding ambitions to build a nuclear bomb, but the Security Council members have been divided aout how strong a line to take."

U.S. - "I say we prevent them from blowing up the Jews."
Germany - "Well, how many Jews are we talking about here? I mean, let's not do anything crazy."
France - "Hey, are there any more hookers? I'm almost out."

"It is still not clear how Russia and China would vote if the questions of sanctions came before the Security Council. It is also not clear that the United States will win the broad international consensus it seeks when the IAEA votes."

Yeah. It's also "not clear" whether Ted Kennedy will spend most of next week passed out in a dumpster behind Hooters. But we can make an educated guess.