Report: Kerry Disagrees with Bush

This is a bit of a shocker.

Now because a) everything a liberal says is intellectual, and because b) I want to be an intellectual, I will therefore c) adopt Kerry's approach in challenging Bush on his terror policies. Granted, this will be a bit tricky, given that Kerry doesn't say what, specifically, he would do differently. Specifics and Kerry are like Oliver Willis and slogans that make sense.

"'When it comes to Iraq, it's not that I would have done one thing differently, I would have done almost everything differently' than the president, the presidential candidate said in a speech to the national convention of the American Legion."

Dude, I totally agree. I'm not sure what I'm agreeing with, considering that "everything" is, erm, a tad vague. But if it's intellectual to say you would have done almost everything differently, then I will be as intellectual as possible and simply agree.

Like, you know that part where France said we couldn't go to Iraq because they were too busy making billions off of bribes, kickbacks and embezzlement, not to mention selling weapons to the century's most violent dictator? I would have done that differently.

Oh, and remember how we caught Saddam Hussein? I totally would have done that differently. I would have dressed him up like Skeletor, and given one of my army guys a big sword, and had them fight to the death in an underground arena. That would have been cool. None of this "trial" crap.

Oh yeah, and the part where we sent a bunch of soldiers to the Middle East, and then certain Senators voted against giving them any money? I would have done that differently, too.

Remember the time we let Muqtada al-Sadr live? (What do you mean, "which time?") I would have done that differently.

Remember how Uday and Qusay's bloated, mutilated bodies were shown on TV for the whole world to see that America had killed the murdering, raping monsters? Yep, I would have done that differently.

Similarly, there's no way I would have let all that electricity and running water get turned on. I wouldn't have opened all those schools, or let the Iraqi economy start booming. No way, no how.

And the time we toppled the region's most powerful military in a matter of months, liberating 25 million people? You tell it, John Kerry. Totally would have done that different.

"He accused the administration of failing to keep faith with the nation's 36 million veterans by underfunding VA programs that leave thousands of former servicemen and women without adequate, timely health care and reduced retirement and disability payments."

I guess if there's one person in America who knows all about underfunding soldiers, it's John Kerry.

"I would have made sure that every soldier put in harm's way had the equipment and body armor they needed. I would have built a strong, broad coalition of our allies around the world."

Not by voting for funding those things, mind you, because he didn't. Indeed, he voted against doing just that, after he voted for it.

"And if there's one thing I learned from my service, I would never have gone to war without a plan to win the peace."

I'm sure that's a lesson that all lieutenants learn, because of course it's the lieutenants who are in charge of drafting plans to win the peace. Riiiiiiight.