Still Pissed Off About the Hawley-Smoot Tariff

Friday, August 06, 2004

Breaking News! Nintendo Star Bowser Outed!

As America still reels from shocking reports that a group, Swift Boat Veterans For Truth, is questioning presidential contender John Kerry's Vietnam record, the SobekReport can now reveal that Kraid, one of the two so-called mini-bosses from the Nintendo game Metroid, is really Bowser from the Mario Bros. series!

"It was before the whole Mario thing got really big, you know. Look, I still made a lot of money from [Super] Mario Bros., but I blew it all on cocaine parties and Faberge eggs. I was strapped for cash, and basically it was either do the [expletive deleted] Metroid project, or else porn. I'm not proud of my choice, but I made it, and now that it's out, I have to deal with it."

Some skeptics point to obvious differences between the two characters. For example, Kraid can fire missiles from his chest, as well as launch something that appears to be a fingernail clipping at the intrepid Samus. Bowser blew off all such accusations.

"Look, I could always do the missile thing, but when I first got involved with Mario, everyone told me to hold back. I mean, Samus has a big [expletive deleted] gun on her arm that can shoot missiles, [expletive deleted] if I know what else. But look at Mario. I mean, he's a little Italian guy who's whacked out on mushrooms half the time. I had to dumb it down to a fireball or there's no way the [expletive deleted] producers would have kept me in."

Bowser in the original Super Mario Bros. game

Other fans of the video game series, which has moved into its fifth platform, are surprised they didn't make the connection sooner. "Dude, I must have been blind not to see it. Seriously, I must have spent three quarters of my waking hours playing Nintendo when I was a kid, and I it never occurred to me," reported James Schulz of Liberal, KS. "But now that I think about it, it all makes sense." Schulz declined to elaborate on that last point.

Bowser as "Kraid" in the later Metroid series

When asked what he plans now that his past indiscretions have been made public, the surprisingly foul-mouthed turtle/spiked duck responded, "I learned my lesson after the Game Boy version fiasco. When Super Nintendo brought me back [for Super Mario Kart], that was like a whole new [expletive deleted] beginning for me. "I was no longer playing second banana to that little [expletive deleted] Mario or his gangly brother. When I'm in that go-cart, I kick [expletive deleted]! And I'm keeping clean, instead of wasting my money on drugs , booze and [long string of expletives deleted]. On top, and I'm a-gonna stay-a here, you [expletive deleted] [ethnic slur deleted]!" He also revealed that he is considering a television movie deal based on his life, to be aired on Lifetime, tentatively titled, "The Bowser Story: So, is he a turtle, or a dog, or what? And why does he have a beak?"