Still Pissed Off About the Hawley-Smoot Tariff

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

A Very Special Episode of 24


Now that Sean Astin is slated to join the cast of 24, GOP and the City's The Man has issued the challenge: "Who would you like to see on the next season of 24: Sean Astin or some other actor? What role would they play in the show?"

Well the answer is obvious. It should be Barney, the loveable purple dinosaur. Let me set the stage. Jack Bauer learns that terrorist masterminds have been using childrens' shows to turn American parents into raging, mindless zombies unable (unwilling?) to resist murderous assaults on the nation. His source? None other than Barney the dinosaur, who has decided to turn on his handlers and bring the whole scheme down. But before Bauer can bring him in from the cold, the terrorists learn Barney has been flipped, and they have taken him hostage on the roof of a building in downtown New York City.

The scene:

Jack Bauer is shown, pistol drawn, running up a staircase towards the rooftop. He gets to the door at the top and kicks it open, eyes darting right and left for signs of danger. Vecchu Paratha and Thengai Sadam are on either side of Barney, pistols jabbed into his back.

Vecchu Paratha: Put the gun down, Jack! You can't win!
Bauer: Drop it! Let Barney go!
Barney: Don't worry about me, Jack! It's too dangerous. Save yourself. And don't forget to tell the kids about smiles and giggles and rainbows!
Barney: [stunned silence, hurt at Bauer's harsh words] Jack ...
Thengai Sadam: You can't win, Jack.

Meanwhile, Bhindi Barwan is sneaking around the stairwell housing to get Jack from behind. Barney sees him.

Barney: Behind you Jack!

Jack drops to one knee, spins around, and fires off four rounds. Bindi's gun goes off into the air as the terrorist crumples. In the ensuing commotion, Barney breaks away from his captors and starts running towards Jack.

Jack: RUN!
Barney: JACK!

Jack fires and hits Sadam in the collarbone, dropping him. Vecchu Paratha fires on Jack, who dives for cover. Barney is still running. Jack rolls, fires, and hits Vecchu Paratha between the eyes. Barney doesn't know Paratha is dead. Camera tight on Barney, so we can't see behind him. Super-slow motion.


Camera moves to the right, and we see Sadam, pointing his gun with his last ounce of strength. He pulls the trigger. Camera tight on Barney, where a bullet emerges from his chest is a cloud of yellow stuffing. He stumbles, keeps running.

Bauer: BARNEY!

Sadam shoots, then shoots twice more. Each time we see Barney's plush innards spray. He drops to his knees, then falls still. Bauer fires twice, hits Sadam, kills him. He runs to Barney.

Bauer: Barney, no, Barney! I didn't mean to put you in danger!
Barney: [coughs pitifully] Jack ...
Barney: Forget it, Jack. I'm gone.
Bauer: I tried to save you!
Barney: Just remember ... Jack ...
Bauer: What is it, Barney?
Barney: There's always time for smiles and giggles and rainbows. [He dies]
Bauer: I'll remember, Barney.

Fade to black.

Meanwhile, at the evil terrorist headquarters, terrorist mastermind known only as Samosa is on the phone. With him in the room are Anthony, Jeff, Greg and Murray, known to children throughout the world as The Wiggles. Samosa hangs up.

Samosa: It's been confirmed. We've lost all three of them.
Greg: What about the traitor?
Samosa: He's gone. And so is the trail. Bauer can't prove anything now. [He leaves].
Anthony: I can't believe Barney's gone.
Murray: Oh, get ahold of yourself!
Anthony: Why are you so mean to me all the time? It's because we made you be the gay one, isn't it.
Murray: I never agreed to be the gay one!
Jeff: Murray's the gay one? I thought Greg was the gay one.
Greg: No way am I the gay one.
Jeff: What are you talking about? You're wearing bright yellow, for crying out loud!
Murray: Yeah, well you're the one wearing purple. Everyone knows purple is the gay color.
Anthony: I think you're getting us confused with the Teletubbies.
Murray: I still don't understand why there has to be a gay one in the first place.
Greg: We've been over this before. Mr. Fallw... I mean, Samosa insisted that there be a gay one. Jeff: Well, he's the boss, but I still say Murray's the gay one...

Fade to black.