Still Pissed Off About the Hawley-Smoot Tariff

Friday, October 10, 2008

Shopping for Uniforms

Now that I have my seed money for my evil plan to conquer the world, the next step is to get some henchmen uniforms. Like most of you, I subscribe to Henchmen Fashion Quarterly, which just put out its new winter catalogue. Let's see what we have this season:

Item # 213576, the Reactor Worker

Kinda plain. It doesn't even have a utility belt or pockets or anything. It comes in white, yellow or red, but I think they're all solid colors. I think I want a little more zip than that. Plus, the hat makes it harder to tell if a spy has knocked out one of my men and infiltrated my lair.

Item #781121, the Shuttle Launchpad Worker

That's a little better. The hats don't provide much opportunity for disguise, and at least we have belts to break up the monochrome. Still, pretty boring. It needs like an insignia or something.

Item #533125, the Chinese Mercenary

That won't work. Sure, we have the belt, but it's over a bright yellow sash. Not only is that hideous, but it's also not practical. I can't be spending funds on totally superfluous cloth, especially when it gives a combatant something to grip. Plus, who decided on the bright white socks and black slip-on shoes? Terrible. Is it really so hard to get something that's fashionable and practical?

Item #309808 the Space Station Worker

Holy crap, that's even worse. First of all, I assume most henchmen are going to be high-functioning retards at best, but actually issuing them the dumb-kid helmets is only going to hurt morale. These have insignia, which I like, and also utility belts. I don't like the collars. It looks like tin-foil, like they were designed by the costume crew for The Day the Earth Stood Still.

Here's the other problem. On the "hers" version, they put the insignia on the chest. That's cool. I like that. Gives you the chance to surreptitiously check out her rack and pretend you're looking at the design thing. But let's be honest here. The insignia looks like a pair of testicles. And on the dude, the insignia is down near his crotch. I mean, come on. I gotta work with these people.

Item #543534, the Scuba Army

No. No no no no. If any of my henchmen have prominent bellies, as this one does, I do not want them in form-fitting clothing. This is not negotiable.

Item #112001, the Oil Platform Worker

I don't even know where to start, here. Bright blue jumpsuit with white zippers. Bright orange electrical worker helmet, bright orange gloves, bright orange utility belt with matching holster, bright orange boots. Even a little silver lightning bolt on the helmet. Orange and blue? Are these henchmen, or drunken Broncos fans? Could this possibly get any worse?

Item #000187

And it gets worse. Orange and blue is bad enough, but when it's an orange t-shirt and blue jeans, that's just plain lazy. And no, matching orange socks and converse All-Stars do not rescue this disaster.

Item #433967, the Spec-Ops Wanna-Be

I think this is where the fashion trends are heading. All black looks cool, gives at least a semblance of camoflage as long as you keep the ambient lighting low, and of course it's slimming. And I want my guys to have lots of pouches and straps and what-not, so they feel more military than, say, a bunch of scrawny dudes in orange t-shirts.

I'm just worried that this has been done to death. Maybe there's something a little less ... I don't know, traditional?

Item #913542, the Stormtrooper

Eh. It looks kinda cool, but a utility belt should be an actual belt, that is actually useful, and not bits of square-shaped plastic built into the armor and made to look like a belt. This thing doesn't give enough mobility or field of vision, and the exposed joints are a serious problem.

Item #913543, the Imperial Guard

Whoa, that's awsome! Okay, it may be the least practical thing I've seen -- the mask, the flowing robes that can't possibly help in hand-to-hand combat -- and it's monochrome, but the sheer badassery just might make up for the drawbacks.

But it's pretty expensive. Maybe I'll just google "uniforms" real quick and see if maybe there's something I like better. Hmm...

Item #545628, the Nurse

Umm, that's probably not a good idea for a lot of reasons.