Still Pissed Off About the Hawley-Smoot Tariff

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Celebrity Death Pool, SobekPundit Style

A friend of mine informed me of the existence of the Celebrity Death Pool, wherein participants try to guess when certain celebrities will die. I find the concept a little morbid. Also, I think it's kind of weak; it's one thing to say that, for example, Tom Cruise will die this year. But it's a whole new level of challenge to predict how exactly they will go.

Yeah, I'm about to go there.

But SobekPundit doesn't care about celebrities, he cares about Bloggers, who are the new celebrities, which means he cares about ... uh ... wait. That should have said something more along the lines of "SobekPundit usually doesn't care about celebrities, but..." Well whatever, you can see where I'm going with this.

Ace of Spades - Ace will be killed gangland style in his own home. Police will be baffled by the sheer brutality of the killing, as well as a nigh-incomprehensible note which states he was killed because he lacked "integrity." They will later arrest one Vinny Falcone, who will refuse to tell them who ordered the hit, stating, "That's just the ****ing way it is."

Are You Conservative? - Mrs. R will be crushed by a pile of old crossword puzzles and logic games stacked up in her garage. Her obituary will include the line, "let this be a lesson to you to recycle frequently."

Blame Bush! - The "official" coroner's report will call it an overdose of high-grade Brazillian marijuana, various natural herbs, and children's cough syrup, but I think we'll all know who was really behind it...

Digressions from the Omniverse - Average Joe will get his wife pregnant again, and jokingly suggest that their second child will be even bigger than the first. His body will never be found.

Garfield Ridge - Fatally injured in an accident involving the collapsible stripper pole [update: link added] he keeps in his kitchen. Investigators will dismiss as mere coincidence the escape of a breed of super-intelligent monkeys from the Pentagon basement the day before. The Danish government will decline to comment.

GOP and the City - After his secret identity is revealed to his fellow New Yorkers, he will be attacked an killed in an alley late one night. The police will not be able to track down his killers using their mind-reading devices because, ironically, the killers will be wearing official GOP and the City Deflector Beanies.

Hans Bricks - I didn't see the movie, I but heard it was Kim Jong-Il's shark tank, or something like that.

Bill from INDC - After a string of successful documentaries of varying species of moonbat, he'll get too cocky at a NARAL Pro Choice rally, let his guard down, and get beaten to death with "Hillary '08" signs. Ironically, Bill is pro-choice. The irony will be lost on the moonbats.

IMAO - Frank J. will learn just how foolish it is to teach a the girl you're dating how to use a gun.

Memento Moron - Brian B will temporarily forget that he is stupid. He will try to attend a Mensa meeting, where the collective brain waves will fry him like Ozzy Osbourne's brain.

Musings of a Fat Kid - I can only assume it will involve fire. Lots and lots of fire.

My Pet Jawa - Lightsaber accident. Ironically, due to bureaucratic red tape, he will finally get that fatwa he always wanted the next day.

Opinion 8 - Patton will be crushed by a mob of screaming fans who incorrectly assume he's the guy from Faith No More. The mob will be incited in part by global warming. If only he hadn't been so blind...

Politburo Diktat - The Commissar will live to see the final destruction of Kapitalism and the onset of glorious, worldwide Kommunism. Then he will starve to death.

Protein Wisdom - Jeff Goldstein will be murdered by recent parolee Martha Stewart. The murder weapon will be described as "a hand-carved knife, made from sandalwood bought from villagers in northern Sri Lanka." In the wake of the killings, citizen journalists everywhere will rise up and demand MORE GAY PORN.

Riehl World View - Carbomb. I blame Wizbang.

Demure Thoughts - Jennifer will break her neck when she falls backwards over her chair while looking for fashion pictures. She should have bolted it to the freakin' floor.

The Unabrewer - Will fail to heed his own advice concerning the consumption of raw duck blood, during his pending trip to China. It's just as well - I don't think the Chinese are big fans of libertarians.

The Unpopulist - Murdered by a sinister cabal of artists who are driven insane by his raw talent. Another stunning specimen. I'm so jealous of that kind of originality, I have to admit I'm thinking about killing him right now.

Vodka Pundit - After a successful liver transplant, he'll be hit by a bus while leaving the hospital.

Way Off Bass - Cameron, in a desparate gambit to get his parents to stop pestering him to get married, finds a nice Thai girl...

Wizbang - Car bomb. I blame Dan.

Wuzzadem - John will be killed in a hale of police gunfire while violating a protective order that forbids him from coming within three states of Chris Matthews.


Instapundit - Outraged CBS employees, armed with torches and pitchforks, will storm his office at the University of Tennessee, where they will discover that "Glenn Reynolds" is actually a sophisticated computer built by Karl Rove.

Oliver Willis - Former ideological allies People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) will rise up against Willis after O'Chub single-handedly manages to deplete the entire Gulf of Mexico of edible fish. He will be found strangled with a tuna net and covered in tartar sauce. Brit Hume will not mention the story.

Joshua Micah Marshall - Got just a little too excited after his big win on The Price is Right, and had to be permanently committed to the hysteria ward. He'll end his days alone, but happy. Very, very happy.

Wonkette - [This prediction has been deleted by the FCC].