Saturday, May 27, 2006
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
Extended Hiatus Warning
Please note that I'll be taking an extended hiatus. I wanted to keep this hush-hush, but I just landed the lead role in a new movie. It's one of those "re-make something from the 80s" things, but I think it works on a lot of levels.
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Judgment Day for Enas Yorl
Sobek: Hello, Enas Yorl, and welcome to Your Final Judgment.
Enas: Huh? What's going on?
Sobek: Sorry if you're a little disoriented, but the fact is, you've recently died. It's time for your judgment scene.
Enas: What? Wait a second, what am I doing painted onto this papyrus?
Sobek: Yeah, a lot of people these days get a little confused when they die and realize the ancient Egyptians were right all along. You may be interested to know that this judgment scene is technically known as a "psychostasy."
Enas: Wait, I've heard of these. Doesn't Anubis usually do this?
Sobek: I told him he could take the week off. Anyway, the procedure here is pretty simple. I'm going to weigh your heart on these scales.
Enas: Heh heh, you said "sc..."
Sobek: I wouldn't go there if I were you.
Sobek: On the other side, next to me, I've got a feather. You may be interested to know it's called the "maat" feather, meaning "truth" or "justice."
Enas: Wait a second, this thing here is supposed to be my heart? It looks like a...
Sobek: You may be interested to know that your heart looks oddly similar to a 16-pound bowling ball.
Enas: What? Wait a second, that is a bowling ball!
Sobek: No, it's your heart. You're just disoriented. Anyway, here's how this works: if your heart weighs as much as the maat feather, it means you're righteous, and you get to go in the room next door and meet Osiris.
Enas: The guy with the green face?
Sobek: Best not to mention that to him. He's been a little cranky since I had to fish his dismembered body out of the Nile.
Sobek: But if it turns out your heart is heavier than the feather, I get to feed you to "Skippy" over there.
Enas: Holy crap!!!
Sobek: He's a bit of a crocodile/eagle/hippo hybrid, and he's got a pretty nasty attitude. So, ready to get started?
Enas: Wait a second, what's going on here? What did you do to Anubis? You can't do this -- that's not my heart, it's a bowling ball!!!
Sobek: You may be interested to know that asking lots of questions is a fairly common indication of the disorientation that happens after death.
Enas: Hey!!! Thoth! Horus! Somebody help me!
Sobek: I'm sorry, Thoth and Horus are busy right now.
Enas: I'm sorry I tied you to a chair!!! I'm sorry I stole your bit!!! I'm sorry I ripped off your Ace and Retired Geezer jokes!!!
Sobek: I'm sure you are. You may be interested to know that crocodiles are cold-blooded creatures. Oh, look at that: your oddly bowling-ball-shaped heart weighs more than this feather. That's a real shame.
Skippy: [growls hungrily]
Nephthys: Hey Sobek, what's going on?
Sobek: Oh, hey there, good-lookin'. Just about to feed Enas Yorl's immortal soul to Skippy.
Nephthys: Huh. Doesn't Anubis usually take care of that?
Sobek: He's busy. He told me I could do it.
Enas: You said you gave him the week off. What's...
Sobek: Life's too short to get hung up on the details, bud.
Nephthys: This is boring. You wanna go make out?
Sobek: You may be interested to know that yes, I do want to go make out. Look, sorry I have to cut this short, Enas. I'll tell you what: if you can outrun Skippy, I'll let you go.
Nephthys: Sobek, that was really nice of you.
[Off-screen screams and growling]
Sobek: What can I say; I'm a nice guy. Now gimme some sugar, baby.
[More off-screen screams and growling]
Nephthys: Ooh, Sobek, your snout is so big...
[Off-screen, more terrified screams, then silence. Exeunt all.]
Sunday, May 21, 2006
Students Defy the ACLU
The ACLU got a federal judge to order a Kentucky High School not to include a prayer at a graduation ceremony. Apparently they think censorship is okay, as long as they get to be the censors. But the students weren't having any of it:
"About 200 seniors stood during the principal’s opening remarks and began reciting the Lord’s Prayer, prompting a standing ovation from a standing-room only crowd at the Russell County High School gymnasium."
"The thunderous applause drowned out the last part of the prayer."
"The revival like atmosphere continued when senior Megan Chapman said in her opening remarks that God had guided her since childhood. Chapman was interrupted repeatedly by the cheering crowd as she urged her classmates to trust in God as they go through life."
And, of course, there's not a darn thing the ACLU can do about it, because their invented Constitutional clause about separation of church and state only operates to block what they think is government-sponsored religion -- private parties can still (for now) believe in God and pray in public without getting chucked in the gulag.
Sunday, May 07, 2006
What I'm Reading These Days
Aside from the usual miscellany of scriptures, various language books, blogs and law stuff, I just finished Alan Paton's Cry, the Beloved Country, rescued from the pile of books my mother was going to throw away. Hey, de-junking is perfectly respectable, but throwing out books just crosses a line.
Anyway, if you've never read it, it's basically the South African version of The Grapes of Wrath. In fact, it owes quite a bit, stylistically, to the novel, and apparently, Paton had just finished reading Grapes before staring this one.
The book is at once heart-breaking (probably more so than Grapes) and full of hope and reconciliation (probably more so than Grapes). It mixes in themes of racism, politics, and above all a sense that God is present in even the darkest times (certainly more so than Grapes, where a heretic preacher stands as a Christ figure, dying so that, uh, labor unions can come into existence? Sure).
It's easy enough to know what will happen at the end, but rather than hurting the suspense (it's not really intended as a suspense novel), this foreknowledge contributes to a feeling of dread and pity, in the fashion of a Greek tragedy. But equally predictable is the reconciliation, and at the end, we see the sick land starts to heal, with a promise of greater things to come if the people will only work for it.
I highly recommend this book, and it is now on my short list of books to read a second time.
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
The Official SobekPundit Blogger Interview: Innocent Bystanders
You know, I had a real ethical conflict with this week's Blogger Interview. Actually, a couple of conflicts. You see, I got an idea for a blogger interview with Michael from Innocent Bystanders, but Michael insists he is a commenter, not a blogger. Not that you can tell from reading his blog; I mean, it looks like a blog, he posts on it, people can comment, he links wacky or interesting stories and such -- in short, for a non-blogger, he acts an awful lot like a blogger.
And then there's the fact that I really don't like him very much. Now granted, I am prejudiced against all races, religions and genders, but still, there's something about Michael that pushes my already bitter misanthropy to new levels.
Eventually I discovered a rather elegant solution to my conflict: I'll interview him, thus proving to the world by virtue of his participation in a "Blogger" interview that he is indeed a "Blogger."
Sobek: So without further ado, let's welcome our guest.
Michael: Hi, Sobek, and thanks for having me.
Sobek: Let's get one thing straight. I don't like you, and you don't like me.
Michael: I like you.
Sobek: ... anyway, as I was saying, I don't like you, but I'm going to give you a fair break during this interview. Here's how this is going to work. Since you're a big fan of Batman, I'll use the Caped Crusader for your picture. If I like what you have to say, you get a picture of cool Batman:
Sobek: But if you piss me off, you'll drop lower down the list.
Michael: You don't scare me.
Sobek: See, now that kind of attitude is exactly what I'm talking about.
Michael: You just ended that last sentence with a preposition.
Sobek: Very well, I'm just going to have to go with George Clooney Batman.
Michael: NOOOOOOOOOO! I'll be good!!!
Sobek: That's what I thought. Okay, I'll put you in the middle of the list, with Val Kilmer Batman. If you behave yourself, you'll go up to Michael Keeton Batman, or even back to Christian Bale Batman. If you mouth off, you're going down to Adam "Painted Woman's Eyebrows On My Mask" West, or in the worst case scenario, back to Clooney. Understood?
Sobek: Good. That kind of subservience will get you where you want to be.
Michael: Also, I think Horus was a stupid vulture who couldn't even intimidate his own reflection in a mirror.
Sobek: I see you learn quickly.
Michael: Ooh, Michael Keeton Batman. That's pretty cool. See how cool I am?
Sobek: Yes, you're very cool. Okay, let's get started with the interview. According to CNN.com, the immigration protests yesterday resulted in ...
Brewfan: Hey, I want to be interviewed, too!
Sobek: Oh, hi Brewfan. Look, no offense, but there are like twenty of you people posting over at Innocent Bystanders, and if I try to squeeze you all in, I'm going to have big problems ...
Dave in Texas: If Brewfan gets interviewed, I get to come, too!
Sobek: No, look, guys ...
Harrison: Ha! Dave, I kinda figured you for the type of guy who wears a monocle and smokes from a cigarette holder.
Brewfan: *cough* homo *cough*
Sobek: Seriously, I'm having a hard enough time remembering which picture to use for Michael, I don't need ...
Michael: Hey, what did I do to get knocked back down to Val Kilmer? I was up to Michael Keeton!
Sobek: Sorry, I ...
LauraW: What's up with only having the guys here?
Civetta: Yeah, you guys aren't being all gay and stuff, are you?
LauraW: Hey! I wanted to be Batgirl! Why do I have to be Poison Ivy?
Harrison: Ooh, catfight! Or, um, bat versus plant fight, as the case may be.
Elzbth: Hy gys, dn't fght! W'r ll frnds hr, w shldn't ct lk chldrn r lbrls!
Skinbad: What? Elzbth, you're seriously going to have to start using more vowels, woman.
Civetta: Ooh, Skinbad gets to be the Riddler! That's cool.
Mrs. Peel: Yeah, the Riddler is ... hey, wait a second! I'm the Scarecrow? What the heck?
Sobek: Sorry about the mask, but I'm kind of running out of options, here.
Mrs. Peel: You could have at least made me a girl!
Civetta: Scarecrow is a man, Sobek.
Sobek: No she isn't. She's played by Cillian Murphy in the new movie.
Mrs. Peel: Yeah, and Cillian's a man!
Sobek: What? You're kidding me.
Michael: No, he really is a man.
Sobek: That's it, you're demoted back to Adam West.
KevlarChick: Okay, this is so totally not funny.
Sobek: I'm sorry! I told you, I'm running out of female villains! That's why I only wanted to interview Michael ...
KevlarChick: That's it, I'm taking you off my AIM list.
Sobek: But I don't use AIM.
KevlarChick: I had you listed just in case you started using it.
Sobek: Look, I'm sorry, okay? I'll let you be Catwoman, okay?
Elzbth: Bt I'm sppsd t b Ctwmn!
Dave in Texas: Hot diggity! Now we've got a real cat fight!
Sobek: Look, I'm sorry everyone, but this place is just way too crowded. Retired Geezer can't even fit in here while wearing his Batmobile costume. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you all to leave.
Skinbad: I only got one line!
Sobek: Well that's two lines. And I had to omit Lipstick entirely, so count your blessings.
Sobek: Phew. They're all gone.
Sobek: Now I can slip into something a little more comfortable.
Sobek: Ah, now that's more like it. Oh, crap, is this blog still on?
Other SobekPundit Blogger Interviews:
John from WuzzaDem
Ace of Spades
Dave from Garfield Ridge
Jennifer from Demure Thoughts
Right Wing Sparkle
Six Meat Buffet
7 Deadly Sins
It depends on whether Mr. Twisted learns how to wire large amounts of money directly into my bank account by then.